


Bad Poetry on Starlit Rooftops

by lovewashisname



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi (2017)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, F/M, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Trans Kylo Ren, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-16
Updated: 2018-01-16
Packaged: 2019-03-05 15:20:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13390620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovewashisname/pseuds/lovewashisname
Summary: Everywhere Kylo looks, high school is portrayed as either the best place you'll ever be, or a shithole that will ruin four years of your life. For Kylo, it's neither. High school has been a place to hide from his own body, and to get into fights every once in a while. So in one year, none of that will change, he thinks. How wrong could he be?told from Kylo's point of view





	Bad Poetry on Starlit Rooftops

**Author's Note:**

> hello! this is basically the same plot as another fic i worked on, except my writing is better, all the characters are more developed, and it's a lot longer. i hope you enjoy reading it!

The first day at school. What do people even do on their first day at school? Last night, when I was talking to Rey, she wouldn’t shut up about seeing Finn and Poe again after the holidays. “Poe said he was going to bring me something home from Guatemala, and Finn said he’d bring both of us things from New York,” she’d told me over the phone. As if I cared about her boyfriends. I’m jealous of their relationship, but that doesn’t mean I care. It certainly doesn’t mean that I want to hear about what kind of gifts Poe and Finn are bringing her from their holidays.

It wouldn’t be so bad if I ever went on holiday. But mum and dad are always too busy for any sort of holidays. The closest I got to going on vacation was spending a Sunday with Rey and Luke at a theme park. It wasn’t even fun. Everyone is going to be talking about their holidays. And if they’re not talking about holidays, they’ll be like Rey, going on and on about their boyfriends or girlfriends. Neither of which are things that I can relate to. 

“Join the Pride club,” Luke told me, when he was dropping me off at home. Again, the house was dark. No one home except from mum’s dog. Just like when he’d picked me up in the morning. “Maybe you’ll make friends.” As if I wanted to make friends with kids like Rick and Chris — who are both infinitely annoying, with their easy going friendliness and dumb jokes. I rolled my eyes, and drew my oversized coat tighter around me. Luke had bought it for me last month, since my parents didn’t seem interested in getting me any kind of warm clothing.

“They might be gay, but none of them are trans,” I’d muttered, and looked off to the side, crossing two very protective arms over my chest. The already small swell of my breasts was hidden by my binder, but it still felt as though I had something to hide. Luke looked a little offended, as though I should’ve been more comfortable around him. “Gay boys don’t always like trans boys.” Luke had just sighed and ruffled my hair. It should’ve annoyed me, but I was too tired, and I already had enough things to be annoyed about. 

“Get enough sleep, kid,” he’d told me. Rey waved to me from the car window as they drove off. I waved back, and she grinned. I didn’t get enough sleep, though, because I was still up by the time mum got home. And then I was still awake when dad got home too. 

So, I guess I can blame no one but myself for the fact that I can barely keep my eyes open now. Chirrut keeps glancing back at me, and I feel bad. He looks guilty, as though he’s the bad teacher, and I’m not a completely careless student. I try to keep my head down, though, because that way he wont notice when I inevitably fall asleep. Poe taps my shoulder from the desk behind mine, and when I turn to glare at him, he doesn’t seem to realise that he just woke me up.

“Hey, have you heard about the new kid?” he whispers. I’d say that Poe is the best at whispering in class, but that’s not true. He just somehow never gets in trouble for it. If it were me tapping someone’s shoulder, I’d get a detention whether I wanted it or not. I shake my head no, and he pulls his desk up closer to mine, so we can talk easily. “Rey said he was supposed to come today.” 

I roll my eyes, and Poe laughs. Chirrut glares at me, and Poe clears his throat even though it’s not him who just got in trouble. Once he’s focused on teaching dumb formulae to a class who definitely doesn’t care in the slightest, I turn back to Poe. “He might be late,” I say, keeping my voice as low as I can. Chirrut still notices, but this time he doesn’t say anything, just shakes his head exasperatedly. There is a twinge of guilt in my chest, but I push it down quickly. “Why is he important? We get new kids all the time.”

Poe grins and raises an eyebrow. “But this one’s from England,” he whispers. I nod, still uninterested. “And he’s gay.” There it is. I feel like I might slap Poe, but if I do, Rey will get angry at me, and I definitely don’t need her to be angry at me too. I roll my eyes, turning back to my own desk, and my awkward scribbled poetry. 

“Gay boys don’t date trans boys,” I mutter back, only turning my head a little to the side. Poe sighs loudly, and taps my shoulder. I ignore his hushed whispers, blocking him out until the bell rings, at which I turn and glare at him. “Poe. I think I’d know if there are gay guys at our school who would actually want to date someone like me.” Poe looks defeated, and I can’t help but feel proud of myself. Poe rarely backs down. Which is exactly why I shouldn’t have expected him to leave me alone after just one lesson of annoyance.

“Come on, Ben-“

“Don’t call me that.”

“Sorry. Kylo,” he corrects himself, taking a deep breath and then continues. “Come on. You don’t know that this guy won’t like you.” I open my locker and take out my English books, taking a moment to myself. I look at the photo of me, Rey, Poe, Finn and Phasma from last summer. Once again, it was Luke who took us out to a theme park. Everyone looks happy. I look happy too, which is surprising. Even so, I’m the only person who isn’t wearing short sleeves, or bright colours, or holding some form of candy. 

I needed to keep the long sleeves, despite the heat. And the dark colours were just instinct — I never changed them, even if it was summer. The candy was something different. The only reason I didn’t have a big chest was because I never put on too much weight. God forbid that my chest get too big. But despite this, it was a good photo. I looked happy with my body, even for a moment. Poe interrupts my track of thought, shutting my locker for me. He raises an eyebrow. 

“So?” he says, and I raise an eyebrow in return, pushing my hair out of my face. I allow myself to yawn, and then shake my head. He sighs loudly, and shakes his head. “You’ll regret this. Watch how he’ll end up with some closeted trans boy, who looks exactly like you.” I laugh, and shove his shoulder lightly.

“Don’t you have presents to give to Finn and Rey?” I say, not even trying to hide the fact that I’m looking for a change of subject. He elbows me in the side, and I wince slightly. He swears quietly, and I take in a deep breath, reaching up to rub at my binder. I’m still not used to it, which is annoying, but I can’t help it. I won’t blame it on myself, because it’s one of the few things I don’t need to blame myself for. “Go deliver presents to your wonderful lovers. I’ll see if this new kid is worth my precious time.” 

Poe laughs, and continues to walk when I stop outside of my english class. “As if you have anyone else you need to spend your ‘precious time’ with,” he teases, and I nod, humming softly. As soon as he’s not paying me attention anymore, I take out my phone, and put in one earphone, clicking on a playlist I made yesterday, when I was half-delirious from lack of sleep, and had so much caffeine in my system that my hands were shaking too much for me to type out anything properly.

It’s titled ‘saf sonhs <3’, and I cringe slightly. I wasn’t aware that I still used hearts like that. It’s made up of Halsey, Blackbear, Mansionz, and Lil Peep. Very much twenty first century emo, and very representative of my music taste. It’s not bad, so I don’t delete it. I doubt it’ll last me very long before I get bored, anyway. Most songs or playlists never do. I’m drawn from my thoughts at the sound of a very British accent asking me something.

There’s a ginger kid at my side, only slightly shorter than me, holding a schedule and a sketchbook. He’s looking at me expectantly, and I breath in sharply, realising that I completely missed the question. “Sorry, what did you say? I didn’t realise you were there,” I say, pushing my hair behind my ear. A smile plays on my lips as his pale cheeks flush a dark pink that is either from embarrassment or annoyance. “Sorry,” I repeat, for good measure.

“I asked if this was… Windu’s classroom?” he asks, looking down at his schedule, and then back at me. I pause, taken aback. Ginger hair, and an English accent. I know this must be the guy that Poe was talking about. I swallow, and decide that no matter what, I will not let them know that I’ve spoken to him. I nod a little and tuck my phone away into my hoodie pocket. He looks like an opposite of me, really. 

Nice sweater and tight jeans, meticulously styled hair, all kept in place with hair gel. Not one hair out of place. Compared to my ridiculously oversized hoodie, dark sweatpants and greasy, tousled hair, he might as well be dressed like royalty. “Yeah, this is his class,” I say, nodding a little, and looking away for a moment. I don’t want to stare for too long, especially not when he gets nervous so quickly. “Are you new?” He looks like he’s about to roll his eyes, but he doesn’t. I’m glad he doesn’t. 

“Yes, I am,” he says, not looking up from his phone. I look over, and see that he’s typing out something that looks like a list. Maybe shopping? He turns the screen away from me, and I find his wary, blue eyes staring at my own dark ones. “Is it my accent that makes you ask, or something else?” I shrug a little, reluctant to talk to him too much. 

“A friend told me you’d be in our class.”

“Well, I’m not a fag,” he says quickly, hardly giving me time to finish my sentence. I frown, staring at him incredulously. I want to ask him where the question came from, but I suppose that he has every right to be worried about it. After all, Poe did tell me his sexuality without even having met the guy. It takes him a moment to realise that I’m not going to comment, so he justifies himself instead. “If your friend told you about me, there was probably something in there about me being gay. I’m not.”

I smirk a little. I can’t wait for Poe to meet him. It’ll be fun to not have him giving me relationship advice. And it’ll be fun to make friends with someone who doesn’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend yet. If I even manage to befriend him. I’m off to a good start, I suppose. But all my relationships start off well. It’s what I do in the next few days that will probably ruin things for me. Or for him. Depends which of us will be more desperate for company. 

“I didn’t think you were,” I reassure him, and he acknowledges what I’ve said with a quiet grunt. I feel a little ignored, so I decide to push a little further. “My friend didn’t say you were gay, by the way.” He rolls his eyes, and actually laughs. My own cheeks flush this time. I feel like I’ve accomplished something, which I haven’t felt in a long time. It’s a nice feeling. He turns to look at me, and I hate how sarcastic he looks. 

“That’s a lie,” he says firmly. “Everyone thinks I’m gay. It’s the first thing anyone says about me. So… What you’ve just told me is a lie.”

*

“What did you do at school, Ben?” dad asks me. It’s the first time we’re eating as a family in a while now. The two of them are always so busy, that I usually end up making my own dinner, and eating it in the company of ‘The Regular Show’ and Rey texting me every so often. She checks on me too much, but I can’t convince her to stop. I grunt, and shrug, glancing at dad, and looking back down at the Chinese takeaway they ordered. I can’t help but dejectedly think that what I cook is much better than this. 

My mum reaches over to me and slaps my hand. “You don’t ignore someone when they speak to you,” she says, raising her eyebrows. “Tell us what you did at school.” I stare at her for a long while. Of course, if she ignored me from the minute I knew how to dress myself and make a sandwich, it’s not disrespectful in the slightest. But could anyone imagine how she would feel if I didn’t tell her about my first day back at school? 

I roll my eyes and glance at dad, who doesn’t look like he’s the slightest bit interested in how my day went. “I don’t know. I saw Poe, and met someone new,” I mumble, my words barely understandable. I’m exhausted by today, but I won’t tell them. They’ll forbid me from being up past nine, and they’ll throw out anything with caffeine in it. Trust my parents to take everything over the top. It crosses my mind that if I ever smoked weed, their reactions would probably be hilarious. “I sat alone at lunch. Rey texted earlier to say that Phasma was sick.”

I watch mum shake her head and swallow her mouthful of Chinese takeaway. “I never liked that girl,” she says, and I feel my stomach turn. Thank god I’m not wearing my binder, or my chest would probably feel impossible to escape from right now. “She thinks she’s.. You know, Ben? Isn’t she a lesbian, too?” I roll my eyes and mumble ‘bisexual’, but it only gets me further into a conversation I don’t want to be having. 

I know my mum doesn’t mean anything bad by it. She doesn’t know that Rey has two gay boyfriends, or thatcher daughter has been her son for the past few years. I’m sure that if she did know, she’d be a little more sensitive about these sorts of things. “Yeah, well, she was sick. So you don’t have to worry about me having been around her today,” I mutter, and I realise that I should have watched my tone of voice when I said that. 

Mum looks up at me, and narrows her eyes slightly. “Watch your tone of voice, Ben,” she says, and her voice isn’t firm, but it only annoys me more. I clear my throat and set my cutlery down, looking up at the two of them. 

“Do you guys think you could call me Kylo instead of Ben?” I ask, and I regret it the instant it comes out of my mouth.

“Why on earth would you—“

“Isn’t that a boys name?”

I listen to them cut each other off as they bombard me with questions that I don’t want to answer. This will drain me of any sort of energy I might have wanted to use to stay up late tonight. I stand up, and put my takeaway into the fridge. It’ll be my breakfast tomorrow, because we ran out of cereal last week, and out of bread three days ago. I pick out a can of Monster, and raise it to my parents. “I want to work on my math. Chirrut was pissed today.” I leave before they can say anything. The last thing my dad calls after me is just as annoying and empty as everything else he’s said this evening. 

“Watch your language, Ben!”


End file.
